'Tis been a while.

How's everyone been?

HELP!

So there's this guy... and I love him to death.  Sometimes.  Lately, he's started to crawl under my skin and annoy the fuck out of me.  He's a bastard.  He's a pathological liar... and it disgusts me more and more every day.  I don't know who he is anymore... cuz he is not the guy I used to know.. the guy I fell in love with.  So anyway.. I need to move on, but I'm having a hard time because when he gets lonely.. or sad.. or depressed.. or anything of that nature- I feel for him.. When I think of him being hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally - I want to reach out to him.  Then there's the times when he becomes extremly selfish, and I want to ring his neck.  I can feel the tension and anger rising.. and I know that pretty soon I'm gonna snap..  I just want it to happen right now!  I want to be able to walk away and never look back.
For example:

He's lied to me twice within four days.  The second time being this afternoon.. And I'm pissed.  It's complete bullshit.  When I posted something on my other blog about it, he read it and left a comment that asked, "Is this about me?"  When I read that, I envisioned him being really hurt and upset.. because I had ended my post with "Good riddance"..  He's been really down lately, and I've done everything within my power to help him feel better, only to knock him down again.  I want to be mad.  I want to stay mad.  He needs to learn that he can't continue to lie to me without punishment.  But I can't stay mad.  When I think of him being hurt by what I said... my anger slips away. 

Aaaahhhhhh... I'm sorry - I'm just really lost and confused.  I want this problem to go away.. It's been way too long since it started.. and it's about time I move on.

 Nicole

I don't feel like expressing myself much today.. And that's probably cuz I have so much on my mind that I don't know exactly where to start.  But in order to sort through the confusion that I call my thought process, I must get it out some how... so here goes:

Bobby and I went to a hockey game last night.  I ran into Nelson.  He's too much of an old man to be drinking that much.  He asked if I wanted to go to the casino, I said no thanx.  But he did give us free tickets and that was way cool.  I almost fell asleep at the game.  Not cuz it was boring but cuz I was way too damn tired.  After the first period was over, we went to get something to eat, and the cashier told me three different totals, AND forgot to put ice in my drink.  Then after I paid for mine, I turned around, and Bobby was gone!!  He had gone back to sit down.  It kinda hurt my feelings.  He's too shy.  I talked to Beth about it, and she said not to worry... cuz he just doesn't understand.  Which I knew that.  But it was still awkward.  When we got back to his house, he gave me a hug goodbye.  It made me laugh.  David was sad/angry/mad/hurt last night.  I went over there around 11pm and he said he was supposed to go to Owasso to see.... Jamie (her name needs to be italicized cuz it makes me cringe), but then he just said he needed to make some phone calls.  I don't like being there when he's on the phone with her cuz it tears my heart apart, so I went to Wal-Mart.  When I got back... he was all depressed and shit.  It breaks my heart for him.  And I know he's hurt because he apparently has no one to talk to..  When I ran into Amy and Sari a few weeks ago, Amy gave me some really good advice about David... part of it being, "If you're in him... I mean, if you're really in him, then no matter what happens... you'll never lose each other.  Be a friend to him, because friends are more important than a fuck."  But you know... it's not like that.  Of course no one believes me, but I don't care.  I am his friend.  I'll be there until our dying day... and I guess I'm selfish for saying that I can't sit there and listen to him talk about how much he likes this girl.... yeah... I can't do that.  And I won't.  Call me selfish.  Call me a bitch.  But I won't let myself get any further down than I already am.  If I took even just one step down, I'd go crashing... and I'm secretly afraid I'd never get back up.  So anyway, back to last night:  He says he has no friends and all that stuff, and he can't talk to me about certain stuff... so he keeps it all bottled in, which is why he's been an asshole lately cuz it all comes flowing out about once a week.  Anyway, he was really down.  So I rubbed his back for a while before he decided to lay down at 12:30am, which is what time he gets in the shower... but he decided he was gonna call in late to work, and he asked if I'd set his alarm for 1:45am, which I did just that, but I woke up at his side at 2:40am to the phone ringing... it was his work, calling, asking where he was.  I guess his boss said it was cool if he just took the night off instead of tonight.  So I fell back asleep, but he woke up and fucked around on the internet.  I woke up this morning to the sound of some chick moaning...    David felt the need to watch some stuff not worth mentioning as I was trying to sleep.  Anyway... He's got a nasty cold sore on his mouth... and I do mean NASTY...  Yesterday afternoon when I got off work, I went over there for a little while and climbed into bed with him... and he grabbed me, started rubbing my back, and kissed me.    I was scared because his cold sore was really bad, but I was mainly scared cuz he was dead asleep... and I was worried that he didn't know it was me.  But who would it be otherwise?  Needless to say, I didn't kiss him back.  And for the record... That is an amazing thing!!!  I move into my apartment in 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm excited and scared.  I've never lived on my own before... Well, technically.... when we all lived at the Peoria house, I was living on my own cuz Jacob stayed gone every night, and Laura disappeared... so I spent my nights alone.. But I mean... it's MY place... not a bunch of my closest friends... not my mom's, not my boyfriend's... MINE!  That's why I'm excited.  Cuz I can get my Pomegranate candles and not worry that someone doesn't like the scent.  But it's on the third story and my knee is bad.  Oh well.  It has a bay window.  I love that.  New Years is this weekend... and let me tell you that I don't have plans... which is odd.  I'm not quite sure what we're doing... probly going to Sharkies and getting shitty.  I wish David didn't have to work.  I wish that him and I were still together.   
You know what today marks??!!!  One year ago.... It was exactly one year ago tonight that something happened... Something that changed my life FOREVER.  If you feel like it, you're more than welcome to go back and look at December 29, 2004 on this website... but the entry won't tell you much unless you REALLY know me and the epitome of all my thoughts... But otherwise... for those of you who don't know me well.... I'll just say it was pretty not expected at all.. I reminded David about it this morning, and he didnt have much to say.  We got into a fight about the whole situation about 8 months ago, and he called me a slut... but that's what anger will do to you..
Emily's baby's due January 23rd, I'm moving the 15th, and Jessica's moving back here from Austin on the 16th.  I can't believe it's all coming up so soon..  I can't believe 2006 is almost here... this is the year I've been waiting for my whole life... in 5 months, I turn 21!!

I wish I could fix everything with a magical wand.  If I had that wand, I would name it Avalanche... And my troubles would go away.  My mom told me this morning she can't wait til I move out again because before I moved back in with her, she never knew if I didn't come home at night, so she didn't worry so much.  Hah, I can't wait til I move out either.  I'm so depressed when I'm at her house.  That's probably cuz I haven't unpacked anything... But also because everywhere I look, I see things that David bought for me.  Kyle told me I should put it all away, but then I would have no belongings.  That would fit in perfectly with my absence of heart. 

How can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye...
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain..
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall-
Like we never loved at all.

You know, I've been doing good for the past week.... I haven't cried at all... but I feel like crying right now.  Slowly, but surely I am getting over him.  It's hard tho... all my friends are tired of hearing about it... and instead of just pretending that they're listening, they usually just say, "Get over him already and fucking move on!"  But it doesn't work like that. 
I can't just shove my feelings deep down inside like everyone else seems to do with such ease. 

I want to get drunk tonight. 
Nicole

I want a man who stands beside me... not in front of, or behind me..

I ran into someone yesterday afternoon whom I've been dreaming of running into for years... and I do mean YEARS. 
And I can't believe that after all these years, I still have butterflies....
Damn... was I a nervous wreck when we exchanged numbers... my hands were shaking uncontrollably - the way they only shake when I'm really nervous..
So anyway, I was scared... I didn't know how open to be, but he made that real easy for me last night in a text msg conversation...

I was talking to my friend about the situation... and I told her how it's a big coincidence that I ran into him considering he's moving to Houston in a month... and she said she would view it kind of as closure considering I've been dreaming of running into him for so long... But the problem is, my friends....
                I'm not sure I want it to be closure...
I'm afraid that when we do get together to hang out, we'll grow too close again.  And that'll hurt worse than ever.

But I have to remember that everything happens for a reason:

Yesterday when David and I were at Wal-Mart, we were parked on the north side of the building, but when we were leaving the register, they had the north exit blocked off, so we had to exit on the south side.... and I can remember being really annoyed and complaining about it... but the thing is - if the north side wasn't blocked off, we would have left through those doors, and I wouldn't have run into him. 
It's times like these when I am fully capable of convincing myself that I am okay to move on... As far as move on from David.  Every single person I've ever been close to in my life... I've always found them again at some point after we've lost each other... Everyone except BJ.  And I thought it would never happen.  So in the past two devastating months... I've been so down about the situation with David... he'll move to Owasso, and we'll lose each other.  I've been secretly afraid that we'll lose each other forever... But now I've realized that one day, whether it's in 5 months or 5 years, we will find each other again.  Because Nicole never lets go of forever. 

Everything happens for a reason.
Keep telling yourself that, Nicole.
There's a reason I ran into BJ yesterday.. and I can tell you that by midnight tonight, I'll be so mentally exhausted from analyzing the situation over and over again. 

Never say forever cuz forever makes me cry.

I guess I really haven't changed that much since I was 13 years old. 
Seven years is a long time. 

Nicole